Risk Factors from External Circumstances

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Additional Information for Chapter 11, pages 182-185

Here we consider risk factors (or red flags) that contrast with mismatches or personal-defect red flags.  These are typically situational issues, which are not intrinsic to either partner.  Three of these issues are discussed in some detail in The Compatibility Code: one or both partners coming from a broken home, long-distance relationships, and unhappy extended family. This represents only three of an almost infinite number of situational concerns that may influence the quality or the success of a relationship.

In this prescript we blur the lines a little between pre-marital and post-marital issues.  The reason is that in pre-marriage you are looking at factors that may influence the quality of your future marriage.  Take the three issues described in some detail in The Compatibility Code (and mentioned in the first paragraph, above).  Coming from a broken home, unhappy extended family, or a long-distance relationship certainly place stress on a committed dating relationship, but the severity of challenge is much greater in the context of a marriage.  Some of the issues addressed below may have little impact on a dating relationship but provide serious challenges to a marriage.  For instance, the decision to move to a new location or the choice to make a foolish purchase that places you in financial difficulty will have greater impact when your lives are tied in the mutual influence of a marriage than while you are single.

The question that comes to many is, "Why does something that is external, something that comes from outside, something that is the fault of neither partner cause difficulty between them?"  A couple of answers:

First, sometimes the external circumstance IS the fault of one of the partners.  For instance, shop-till-you-drop Shelly goes on a shopping spree causing severe financial challenges for the couple. This has created an external circumstance (crushing debt) that challenges them both, but the cause of the difficulty is easy to identify.  This can result in the predictable rift because blame, recrimination and fault-finding may become part of the divisive conflict that follows.

Second, the majority of external circumstances are not caused by either of the partners-neither is to blame-and yet the pressures of this difficulty cause difficulty between the partners.  The reason psychologists have discovered is due to a phenomenon called the frustration-aggression hypothesis.