Communication and Conflict Resolution

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Additional Information for Chapter 2, page 21

When college football coach Knut Rockne said "Winning isn't everything, it is the only thing,"2-6 he parallels the importance of communication in a relationship. To rephrase: Communication isn't important in a relationship, it is the relationship. Have you ever experienced explaining yourself to a loved one, and, even though they put forth serious effort, you know they didn't have a clue what you're talking about? A good marriage can handle only so much of this type of non-comprehension. A couple must be on the same "wavelength" most of the time for their relationship to work well.

The topic of communication in general is so large that it extends beyond our resources to cover any aspect of it in detail. What we do here is identify three books on the topic of communication that we think are exceptional and include a brief description. Then we identify 10 of the most important principles of communication. As we receive and respond to your questions, this (and other sections) may expand as we become more aware of the frequent concerns of our readers.

Perhaps the best book I have encountered is John Gottman's The Relationship Cure. This entire book deals with the issue of communication, but in many contexts. Only a portion addresses communication in intimate relationships. The basic tenet of the book is that people make "bids" and their partner responds to these bids. Explored in fascinating detail is that bids on the surface may appear to mean something quite different than the intended communication. For instance: If a woman says "you make me sick" to her husband it is unlikely to be a statement of reality. If the statement is taken at face value it means: "I become physically ill when I interact with or think about you." If the husband were to respond to the actual statement and the apparent meaning, he might say "fortunately not always, cause you look pretty healthy to me right now." The perceptive husband might think instead "she needs a break from kids, clatter, and chaos. Probably a nice quiet romantic dinner would do the trick." A perceptive person becomes skilled in reading accurately the bids of his or her partner. It is quite interesting to note the extraordinary diversity of possible statements and meanings. Gottman is nothing short of brilliant in his exploration of this issue.

Another outstanding Gottman book is his earlier The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. The book is subtitled "A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert." The title is fitting. Gottman, a former professor at the University of Washington, is one of the few academic psychologists who can talk with equal authority to an academic or popular audience. He is respected in academia for his exhaustive and innovative research and has published hundreds of times in professional journals and scholarly books. But he has also produced books for the general public-easy, practical guides-that I consider the best on the market. This book extends well beyond the topic of "communication," but interactive skills are described and explored throughout the book. The best chapter with a primary focus on communication is Chapter 10, titled "Overcoming Gridlock." In this chapter Gottman presents essential principles of successful communication centering on how to ask effective questions and how to listen without defensiveness.

The third book is Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.2-8 One of the great challenges when counseling couples is to help partners realize that they ‘speak' different languages; that they think, feel, and perceive differently. Chapman addresses communication within intimate relationships with a particular focus on how to communicate love to your partner. When you finish the book you will have discovered by example the importance of speaking the same language far more effectively than if you had taken a class on communication skills. The only possible caveat is that Chapman writes from an openly Christian perspective and quotes the Bible from time to time in many of his chapters. If you are Christian, this will enhance your pleasure. If you are not, ignore the scriptural references and drop any feelings of irritation. The book is of great practical value with or without the religious tilt. The Five Love Languages has sold over 3 million copies and receives a perfect 5-star rating by readers who expressed their opinions on Amazon.com.

Now we overview some of the most important skills associated with positive forms of communication. What follows is a Letterman-style top 10 principles of effective communication-in no particular order.