Infatuation

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Additional Information on Chapter 3, page 29
Psychologist Robert Sternberg defines infatuation as passion without intimacy or commitment. Obsessive infatuation may be directed toward just about anyone-a character in a novel, a movie star, an entertainer, someone who is unavailable. If someone enjoys the feeling of the fantasy and is unconcerned with any grounding in reality, fine. It is a form of mental (and at times physical) masturbation, and, if you accept it for what it is and don't demand more of it, The fantasy may be harmless enough. When, however, infatuation leads to relationship, every type of destructive bias is ready to spring. It is the most blinding of emotions, and, in the absence of friendship and commitment eventually causes far more torment than pleasure. Romeo and Juliet provide the ultimate example. I read through the play recently (never had before) and discovered that Romeo and Juliet's passion for each other was based on exactly one day of interaction and they ended up killing themselves over it! It is likely that Romeo had serious anger-resolution issues; perhaps Juliet was a jealous co-dependent; perhaps they were entirely incompatible. Their final act, I modestly suggest, illustrates self-destructive behavior at its most extreme. So infatuation provides all the intensity of emotion, all the saccharine-sweet pleasure, but operates like the sirens of Homer's Odyssey. Who often entice foolish sailors to their destruction.

Just because feelings are intensely emotional doesn't mean that they are right. Let's look at some examples: In the context of eyewitness testimonies, researchers compare the testimonies of witnesses with actual filmed accounts of the events they are attempting to describe. They find that those who express great certainty and emotional conviction about the accuracy of their perception, are no more likely to be correct than one who is very tentative in their opinion. I frequently ask my students: "When a speaker presents a position with great skill and intensity of emotion, is that perspective any more likely to be correct than someone who presents a position ineffectively and without emotion?" The simple answer "of course not" can be accepted by most. Hitler, Mussolini, Jim Jones, David Koresh all spoke with riveting effectiveness, but their messages led to destruction. Despite this simple knowledge, how many people are sucked in by an emotional presentation; whether the presenter is trying to sell them a car, convert them to their particular religious persuasion, or to assure them of their undying love? The simple reality is that, intense emotion is a deceiver and in the case of marriage often leads to 50yrs of quiet desperation.