Transition, From In Love to Real Love
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| Transition, From In Love to Real Love |
| Comparision of Romantic Acts in 3 Settings: In Love, Troubled Marriage, and Good Marriage |
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Additional Information for Chapter 3, page 35
The transition from "in love" to real or mature love requires an understanding of "romantic acts." Romantic acts is discussed fairly thoroughly in The Compatibility Code and in even greater detail under the Prescript icon in this chapter labeled "Romantic Acts". Before continuing in the present discussion, please read the description of romantic acts in the book or on the web site.
Romantic acts operate as the transitioning agent to engineer the shift from "in love" to "mature love."
For an understanding of what exactly you are shifting from (being in love) and shifting to (mature love), please read Chapter 3 in The Compatibility Code and supplement that by reading additional material from Prescripts #1, #2, and #3 on this website.
The issue has been well discussed by now. The in-love state lasts on average about two years. If you fall in love and then marry 1½ years later, according to the average you only have about another six months to go. What are you going to do with the next 59½ years?
The answer assumes one of the most fundamental principles of Personality Psychology: Emotion occurs as a response to action. If I do the actions that cue the emotions, then the emotions will occur. Waiting for the emotions, the right feeling, before we do romantic acts is a formula for disaster.
If you are in the first two years, the in-love years, then your emotions are so extreme that actions (romantic acts) occur without effort, without much thought, and often foolishly or extravagantly.
If you are in the final 59½ years a different model needs to be applied: If we don't feel in love with our partner (a frequent occurrence in even the best relationships) doing the acts that express love rekindles the emotion. Glen Yarborough got it all wrong in his famous song If You Could Read My Mind, when he said "but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back." I've got a suggestion for Glen. If he starts doing the things he did when he was in love, the feeling would come back!
Another illustration from Hollywood: The 1996 film The Preacher's Wife tells the story of a preacher who is so obsessed with serving his congregation that his marriage is crumbling. When the wife (played by Whitney Houston) asks Dudley the angel (Denzel Washington) "What do you do when the flame [of passion] goes out?" Dudley tells her "you never let it go out."
Dudley's response is psychologically sound. It also assumes that there are actions you can perform that will keep the flame alive. Let's explore the differences in the activities of a hypothetical in-love couple with the same couple seven years after marriage. Let's say this couple has not read our book and does not understand the principles of keeping love vibrant. Let's also say that they fall in the 80% of marriages headed for divorce or suffering significant challenges.
How frequently do the following acts occur?
