Anger Resolution Process
| Article Index |
|---|
| Anger Resolution Process |
| The Five Steps |
| The Problem of Repression and Conclusion |
| All Pages |
The Compatibility Code provides a fairly complete description of how to deal with anger. The context is actually anger due to a broken relationship. The model presented, however, works for any type of anger regardless of cause. There are people whose anger is so extreme, so explosive that the model presented would not be adequate to resolve their situation. For such people we suggest a therapist who specializes in anger management. Such a situation goes far beyond scope of this book or even this website.
What we do here is reproduce the text from The Compatibility Code. It is well written and fairly thorough. If you have questions about specific circumstances not covered in this description, feel free to contact us on the "Ask the Experts" section of this web site. We will provide a personal answer as soon as possible, and, if you deal with an issue that might be helpful to others, we may include it in updated versions of this prescript. It would not include your name, of course. Here, then is what the book suggests:
From The Compatibility Code:
I start with anger because it is one of the most striking reactions to a broken relationship. In our germ analogy, it is like the knife that inflicts the damage, which opens the wounds that can then get infected with devastation or jealousy. Most of the people that I counsel, before, during, or after their separation or divorce, experience some level of anger, which is normal. However, it is vital to address it early because if you don't, it can harm you for a long time, especially if you either knowingly or unknowingly choose to nurse it.
Sometimes, anger is stimulated in you by immediate and observable causes such as betrayal, infidelity, just plain meanness, or at worst, violation. Other times there has been no overt effort to hurt one another; it's just that the relationship didn't work out. Even then, anger is often the result.
Much of the reason for angry, aggressive feelings is due simply to what psychologists call "pain-elicited aggression." It applies to animals; it applies to humans. It works this way. In an experiment, two sets of laboratory animals are placed in a cage with many other animals. In one instance there is a loud piercing noise; in the other there is none. The noise is external; it is not caused by any of the animals, but researchers observe far greater levels of aggressive behavior among the animals in the distressing situation than among animals in the control group with no noise. Similar experiments have involved humans with similar results.
My husband, prior to meeting me, actually experienced this type of reaction when he finally broke off an "on-again-off-again" five-year romantic relationship. He was emotionally devastated for several months, as I imagine her to have been as well. But in addition to the devastation, Darren also experienced the effect of heightened anger. He had extreme negative thoughts towards his ex-girlfriend. He didn't want her to be successful in business, in relationships, or in any other area of her life. However, because he knew about pain-elicited aggression, he realized, even in his worst moments, that he didn't really wish her ill. He was just hurting and the aggressive thoughts were a consequence of the pain he was feeling. Because he knew the cause of his feelings, the knowledge allowed insight and clarity into his own thought processes. He later shared with me that about two months after the break-up, while he was still deeply feeling the loss of the relationship, an acquaintance came up to him with bright eager eyes, and without realizing his single status said, "Oh Darren, I hear that the two of you are engaged!" He said, "We were, but I broke up with her two months ago!" Her response astonished him: "Oh you must feel really guilty!" He responded, "Not at all; we tried really hard for five years, and it simply didn't work out. I still wish her well even though I recognize we weren't right for each other." Because of his knowledge of the anger that can follow emotional pain, he exhibited a level of insight and calmness even while in pain. Several years later there is, of course, not a shred of negative feeling toward the woman.
C.S. Lewis, author of the favorite children's series, The Chronicles of Narnia, gives us another way to look at anger. In the story of his spiritual odyssey, Surprised by Joy, he speaks of his entry into the British Army in 1917 during World War I. He says, "It was, of course, awful; but the ‘of course' blunted the pain. I never thought it would be wonderful." One could speak of a break-up in the same way: "It was, of course, awful," but by acknowledging the "of course," you can blunt the pain. After a break-up, when you know you're going to be in pain, you can also recognize that you may have destructive thoughts towards that person. But you can gain assurance by recognizing that the anger and the potentially destructive thoughts that come with it do not carry real substance.
The problem, of course, happens when the anger isn't resolved. There is actually a five-step process that a person can go through to effectively deal with their anger. The five steps are listed in the next section with clarification following each one
back to top
