The debate regarding use of the Internet as a dating mechanism rages on. I get a lot of questions about it’s use, dangers, benefits as well as my own experience with it. Even this past month I was asked by a Travel Editor with the Los Angeles Times about a reader’s travel dilemma regarding a tangle of faltering romance and a non refundable airline ticket. Click here to catch the story.
Much like the laws protecting consumers from buying Time Share units sight unseen, there are some strong guidelines that you can use to reduce your risk of wasting your investment of time, energy and money (and maybe your heart) as you seek a fulfilling relationship.
Main point: Self-preparation and recognizing pitfalls are two urgent considerations when an individual wants to use the Internet as a mechanism for meeting potential partners.
- The Internet provides opportunity for first contact and shared information, but little more. The Internet does not educate participants on dynamics of relational success nor can it detect those who fabricate their story.
- A primary advantage of Internet contact is that it allows participants to focus first on compatibility before they deal with issues of physical chemistry and passion.
Pitfalls to avoid if you want to engineer a successful relationship that starts with an Internet contact.
1. Check for accuracy of information before you get too excited or spend money. If you have advanced to the point of being in direct contact (as opposed to having your identity laundered through the dating organization) ask for the phone numbers of people who know them. Talk with their mother or father, a counselor, a friend. If you want the real goods, see if you can get a phone number from a former spouse. People who join Internet dating organizations can write anything they like—their content is not checked for accuracy. Make certain the information is accurate.
2. Appreciate that it is easy to fall in love with someone you have never met. But what have you fallen in love with? You have fallen in love with an idealized image of something out there that bears little resemblance to the reality—rich in all the desired positive qualities and entirely lacking any negatives. Once you have verified the accuracy of some contact’s information, you need to get together (at each other’s personal expense) and spend a good deal of time in person to gain a realistic picture.
3. Become educated in the principles of relational success. If you want to become a professional musician or athlete, it takes thousands of hours of study, practice, and preparation to achieve at that level. Why is it that we think we can be successful in a marriage (the most complex of all human relationship) with no training whatsoever? Get educated! Our own book, The Compatibility Code, is a valuable resource for teaching principles of success that improves choices of marital partners. Also, work by Gary Chapman and John Gottman are outstanding resources once into the relationship.
4. Know yourself—have a clear personal identity. If you don’t know who you are how can you possibly find someone with whom you can form a relationship? They will be unable to discover what you don’t know or share. They will be unable to encourage your strengths, support your passions, challenge your weaknesses, and contribute to an exciting, vital, dynamic relationship that can last a lifetime. The legends of psychology (most notable Erik Erikson) all support the critical importance of a solid identity as a prerequisite for a successful intimate relationship. If you have a strong identify and clear essence qualities, you have some perspective to determine whether a particular person might a good match for you. We also need to repair our negative qualities, those characteristics that put in and relationship in jeopardy.
5. Have a list of disqualifiers and cut off the relationship if they appear! This takes a lot of courage. Disqualifiers are those personal qualities in that other person that “break the deal”. Psychology identifies some of these qualities—people who are hostile, bitter, abusive, controlling, manipulative and others. You will also have your own personal preferences—qualities you know you could not live with in a relationship but might be OK for someone else. From our own research several of the top disqualifiers from this category include, substance abuse, smoker, substantial spiritual differences, lazy, unemployed, and promiscuous. If you are clearly aware of your own disqualifiers you can break off an unacceptable relationship early in the process and save yourself years/decades of torment.
Our Internet story in a nutshell: From the time of our first Internet contact until we married, we spent a good deal of time together (both in Alabama—where I lived and in Alberta—where he lived) and received counseling in both countries. I already had a master’s in Human Resource Management and Darren was an expert in relationships (UCLA PhD in Psychology) so we applied principles of relational success as our courtship progressed. We tested for compatibility, and we worked though red flags and relational challenges based on a sound model long before we married. For more of our story meet us on our website. Today we have a marvelous marriage of shared purpose. So separate how you meet from how your prepare yourself. Be ready to ask the right questions and have courage to move on when it’s not the right person.
