What has led to this atrocious marriage record? Well it seems that Liz is not the only one; the divorce rate for the past four decades has hovered around 50% and unhappy marriages adds another 30%. One problem is that we “fall in love” before we take a serious look. Not only that, we live in a culture that celebrates songs and movies that revolve around romance. And haven’t you enjoyed them? I do…even when I roll my eyes and think, “yeah, right—that’s not believable.” But while we enjoy the Hollywood-style romance, let’s look at the in-love condition through the eyes of a researcher.

 Studies have shown that the in-love condition lasts on average about two years. If that is true, what happens after the two years? Let’s say that from when a couple meets and falls in love they marry after a year and a half. Now there’s only six months left before their string of “in love emotions” run out! What are they gonna do for the next 59½ years? In our book, The Compatibility Code, we say this couple must transition from the in-love state to real love. No one can sustain the intensity of emotion that the “in-love” condition demands. We’ll talk in future articles about real love but for the moment let’s stay on topic.

 Keep in mind—being in love is not wrong; it is one of life’s most joyous events. The problem is that love blinds. To tell the truth, almost any intense emotion eliminates clear thinking. As my husband’s dad once said, “write a letter when angry and you will write the best letter you have ever regretted.” Love has an equal and opposite effect. It makes one vulnerable to the entire array of gullible errors. “Oh, he’s so nice and I love him so,” can blind one to the reality of, for instance, deep-seated prejudice, chronic negativity, and future disaster.

 So first and foremost is to learn to take a serious look before that first kiss. Find out what’s right for you and turn down the ones that aren’t. And if you are already in love—remember that being in love is a little like skiing. It’s a thrilling experience, but it’s greatly enhanced if you stay on course and avoid going over the side of the cliff! The answer in dating is to enjoy being in love but keep your eyes open. If you are aware that your feelings are really exaggerated then you need to get back on course. Maybe it’s not too late for Ms. Taylor to learn that lesson!

As we discuss in our book, The Compatibility Code, successful relationships are the blending of the cognitive and emotional aspects of life—the heart and the mind. We often try to figure out which of these is more important. If you are all heart and no mind you ride a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows that makes your life miserable. If you are all mind and no heart you experience an emotionally distant relationship that lacks the intimacy so important to marriage. Both conditions typically end in divorce.

 Loving too much might be better defined as love out of balance. Think of it as emphasizing the emotional aspects of love and neglecting the important thoughts and actions that accompany mature love. When the in-love teenager girl says, “But I love him so much – I just KNOW it’s right – even when he doesn’t always treat me right” we are observing love out of balance. This young girl looks at feelings but ignores that her boyfriend is antisocial, psychopathic, critical, and just plain unpleasant. In North America when teens marry the divorce rate is 90%. Were they in love with each other? Your bet! But you see the fallacy of loving too much, or, the failure to integrate the emotional and the cognitive aspects of loving.

 But there are instances when a mature couple is intensely in love with one another. Is that “too much?” Sometimes—if they are out of balance. This would predominantly show up when each individual is focused on their own feelings—as opposed to mutually focusing on each others needs and the health of the marriage. But joyfully, there is a way to love that is both deep and mutual.

 In the marriage of C.S. Lewis and Joy Gresham (depicted in the 1993 film Shadowlands) you find an intensity of emotional attachment seen only occasionally. Joy, whose cancer is in remission, speaks to “Jack” about the fact that she will die. She asks how he will deal with it. Lewis’s says, “Don’t worry, I’ll manage somehow.” Joy’s response is insightful. She says, “We can do better than that. The pain you will feel then is part of the joy we experience now.”

Your ability to love deeply today will be mirrored by the pain you will feel when that love is lost. That is not “loving too much” but experiencing life to the full.

For example: falling in love. I don’t know about you, but the last time I “fell” it hurt. In fact, falling in love often results in pain. So, do we really want to be at “love’s” mercy? I fell just the other day, on the ice, in front of a restaurant, in front of Tim Horton’s, in front of the world. My 14 year old twins were watching…and in addition to their concern they were laughing-because I looked funny all splatted on the ground. But years before, when I was going through a divorce…nobody was laughing. I hurt, people watching me hurt, my soon-to-be ex-husband hurt. My life was splatted on the ground and I didn’t know how to go about getting back up. I couldn’t have imagined 5 years before as I looked into the eyes of my boyfriend, having fallen totally in love, that it wouldn’t last. That love wasn’t enough.

What about: head over heals in love. My husband Darren was running the other day with our 16 month old golden retriever. They were totally in sync. Totally loving the air, the time together, the sheer excitement of the cross country run. And then, out of the blue, a root caught Darren’s flying toe…and you guessed it. Head over heals. Xrays and ibuprophen doses later, he observed…”When you’re focused on the landscape you really don’t see the small things that will trip you up.” So, I asked myself, would I really advise someone to be head over heals in love? First, we need to consider what will trip us up in love-a kiss, a touch, someone to just to be on the other end of the phone. Then we need to think about where we’re really going and ask should we be running on the current path. After my personal experience with “head over heals,” I went through quite a time of healing. And then I went through a time of fear-was I attractive enough, was there something totally wrong with me, could I be a strong marriage partner. As I found the right path, and worked on improving me as a person, I met Darren. Together we considered what was most important to each of us individually, and then together, and now in marriage-as one. Somewhere along the way of using good decision making choices, we “became” in love. Intense, exciting, and with total awareness of all of the roots in the path that might trip us up.

I liked having more control. I liked knowing that one of the single most important decisions of my life wasn’t the result of a fall.