As we discuss in our book, The Compatibility Code, successful relationships are the blending of the cognitive and emotional aspects of life—the heart and the mind. We often try to figure out which of these is more important. If you are all heart and no mind you ride a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows that makes your life miserable. If you are all mind and no heart you experience an emotionally distant relationship that lacks the intimacy so important to marriage. Both conditions typically end in divorce.

 Loving too much might be better defined as love out of balance. Think of it as emphasizing the emotional aspects of love and neglecting the important thoughts and actions that accompany mature love. When the in-love teenager girl says, “But I love him so much – I just KNOW it’s right – even when he doesn’t always treat me right” we are observing love out of balance. This young girl looks at feelings but ignores that her boyfriend is antisocial, psychopathic, critical, and just plain unpleasant. In North America when teens marry the divorce rate is 90%. Were they in love with each other? Your bet! But you see the fallacy of loving too much, or, the failure to integrate the emotional and the cognitive aspects of loving.

 But there are instances when a mature couple is intensely in love with one another. Is that “too much?” Sometimes—if they are out of balance. This would predominantly show up when each individual is focused on their own feelings—as opposed to mutually focusing on each others needs and the health of the marriage. But joyfully, there is a way to love that is both deep and mutual.

 In the marriage of C.S. Lewis and Joy Gresham (depicted in the 1993 film Shadowlands) you find an intensity of emotional attachment seen only occasionally. Joy, whose cancer is in remission, speaks to “Jack” about the fact that she will die. She asks how he will deal with it. Lewis’s says, “Don’t worry, I’ll manage somehow.” Joy’s response is insightful. She says, “We can do better than that. The pain you will feel then is part of the joy we experience now.”

Your ability to love deeply today will be mirrored by the pain you will feel when that love is lost. That is not “loving too much” but experiencing life to the full.

Like my daughters, I lived life through music that “spoke” to me. And oh, what emotions were created; both tears and laughter, hopes and dreams. My best friends and I all shared favorite songs-we attended proms and dances named after hit singles of the day. Barry Manilow sang to our hearts  “I write the songs that make the young girls cry…I write the songs of love and special things.”

And we listened and we learned. But we didn’t know that we should have filtered what we heard and we certainly didn’t know that messages became scripted into our subconscious. In 1976, my first full year of high school, there were 52 weeks of love, sex and dancing. Of all top billboard hits, only 5 didn’t fit into one of those categories. We didn’t know we had been set up for failure in love.

To complete our high school love lesson, let’s put the hit titles in a paragraph:
Did you know that there is a Love Rollercoaster, and afterwards you’ll have a Love Hangover? Don’t Go Breaking My Heart because If You Leave Me Now, I’ll give you 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Wait, Let’s Do It Again and have some Afternoon Delight. It’s late and now I have Boogie Fever because it’s Saturday Night. Please Shake Your Booty and Play That Funky Music. Oh baby, you’re just a Love Machine and Tonight’s The Night for you to be Rock’n Me.

So, let me ask you. What messages have the lyrics of your youth scripted upon your heart. Are you starting (or continuing) your search for love using a false picture? Just give it a thought.

For those who love lists and want to be amazed, take a look a how the top hits of 1976 could be categorized:

Love
Love Rollercoaster – Ohio Players  January 31 – February 6
I Write The Songs – Barry Manilow  January 17 – January 23
Let Your Love Flow – Bellamy Brothers   May 1 – May 7
Silly Love Songs – Wings  May 22 – May 28
Love Hangover – Diana Ross  May 29 – July 9
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – Elton John & Kiki Dee August 7 – September 3
If You Leave Me Now – Chicago October 23 – - November 5

The Loss of Love
Do You Know Where You’re Going To – Theme from Mahogany – Diana Ross January 24 – January 30
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon February 7 – February 27
Kiss And Say Goodbye – Manhattans July 24 – August 6

Sex Theme
Let’s Do It Again – The Staple Singers December 27, 1975 – January 2, 1976
Love Machine (Part 1) – The Miracles March 6 – March 12
Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band July 10 – July 23 Disco Lady – Johnnie Taylor April 3 – April 30
December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) – The Four Seasons March 13 – April 2
Tonight’s The Night (Gonna Be Alright) – Rod Stewart November 13 – January 7, 1977
Rock’n Me – Steve Miller November 6 – November 12

Dancing
Saturday Night – Bay City Rollers January 3 – January 9
Boogie Fever – The Sylvers May 15 – May 21
You Should Be Dancing – The Bee Gees September 4 – September 10
(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty – KC & The Sunshine Band September 11 – September 17
Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry September 18 – October 8

The remaining 5
Convoy – C.W. McCall January 10 – January 16
Theme From S.W.A.T. – Rhythm Heritage February 28 – March 5
Welcome Back – John Sebastian May 8 – May 14
A Fifth Of Beethoven – Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band October 9 – October 15
Disco Duck (Part 1) – Rick Dees & His Cast Of Idiots October 16 – October 22