Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

The Black Side of Valentine’s Day Or “Where were my roses?”

Thursday, February 24th, 2011 by Elizabeth George

One way or another, we all experienced Valentine’s Day. Was yours a day of love and romance? Did someone whisper in your ear, “I love you!” or “Be mine!”  For many of us though, it ranged from a let down to an absolute depression that there was no one there to pay us special attention. My sixteen-year-old daughter even had a sad face posted on the family calendar on the 14th.

When relational disappointment strikes, it is important to not compound that disappointment with reactive, destructive behavior. That’s what we’re talking about today: how to avoid serious mistakes when you are disappointed or lonely, and, how to make more constructive choices. I asked my husband, Darren with the Ph.D. (also fondly called “the brain” in our house) to share his insights. To start, let’s look at some common negative responses to disappointment.

  • Hole up in your empty pad and feel miserable.
  • Go out and get drunk or get high
  • Become sexually involved with an inappropriate other
  • Pursue a relationship with someone who is completely wrong for you but happens to be available or interested
  • Assume that you are not interesting or worthy of being in a relationship
  • Start catastrophising: “My life is over!”  “All men are jerks!”  “I’ll never get into a relationship again” “I’ll be permanently lonely!” or the ultimate cop out, “The world would be better without me!”

 I appreciate that at times there is an almost overpowering urge to somehow blunt the pain.  Our suggestion, however, is don’t wait for the disappointment or the overpowering urges to figure out what to do—after all Valentine’s Day (and other couple emphasizing events) roll around with irritating regularity.

 Pick a time when you are not upset, sit down and ask yourself the following questions: Will there be times of bitter disappoint in my life? How often will they strike? The harsh answers are “Yes!” and “Often.” When you’re not hurting is the time to determine nurturing, restorative responses to such disappointment.

 We consider two categories of responses: 1) Shift to some positive alternative activity, and 2) Pursue a thoughtful assessment of how to change your disappointing circumstances. Let’s look at alternative activities first.

 Positive alternatives: These may include going out with a friend, getting lost in an engrossing novel or movie, reading uplifting material, praying, going to a “safe place” such as parents or close friends, or, phoning/visiting your great aunt in the rest home. For my wife it might be to fix a great dinner for herself and light lots of candles.

 Or you may engage in some good old Freudian sublimation—that is, devoting negative energy to positive accomplishment. If you are really worked up, take that energy and devote it to something productive. For me it might be: complete the database of my classic films, plan a backpacking trip, think of ways to surprise someone I care for, or learn a new piece on my trombone. All these move me from negative, self-destructive thinking to healthy accomplishment. But that’s me; you need to come up with your own list!

Solve your relational problems: My wife and I, in hundreds of seminars and counseling sessions, have discovered that most people are startlingly uneducated in the dynamics of successful relationships. Why do we think that successful relationships will just happen? Consider that it takes 1000 hours to become a good welder, 10,000 hours to become a professional musician, 20,000 hours to become a surgeon. And yet the quality of our relationships is the single most important factor in life happiness and satisfaction. Since one short article can’t begin to adequately instruct you, our urgent suggestion is that you become educated. Here’s a couple of great sources: The books of John Gottman (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure), Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages) and our own work (The Compatibility Code by Elizabeth and Darren George). Finally, our web site (www.yourprefix.com) discusses extensively how to overcome the devastation of a broken relationship and how to create a successful one.

 Start now to turn February 14th 2012 from black to red!

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365 days of Valentines – The Secret to Keeping Romance Alive

Monday, February 14th, 2011 by Elizabeth George

Valentines Day certainly arrives with a lot of emotional expectation! I remember the excitement in first grade about our class party and getting little candies and hearts from everybody. Not too many grades later hoping that the candy from that really cute boy would say, “Will you be mine?” And wow, the stakes got higher as we got older: will he ask me out, will he give me a card, will he ask me to go steady, will he tell me he loves me, give me my first kiss, or the mother lode of all—will he propose?

We love to be “in love!” But unfortunately, “being in love” lasts, on average, only about two years. If you plan to have a romance or a relationship that lasts longer than two years, it is necessary to take active steps to transition from “in love” to “real love.” Otherwise you place yourself at risk for relationship disaster in the long run.

 The active agent that transitions you from one to the other is the practice of what we call “romantic acts.”

Romantic acts are easily defined, “Acts performed by one person to help another person feel loved:” a dozen red roses, a slurpy card, a gentle kiss, a diamond ring, taking out the garbage, a snuggle by the fire, saying “I love you”. Yes, there are 1001 different actions one might do to help your partner feel loved. But, how does that help you transition from in love to real love?

During the in-love phase romantic acts happen so often, so easily, so automatically that little effort is required. Thoughts about our beloved consume our thoughts and stimulate us to express love many times a day. But after many years of marriage thousands of other demands consume our thoughts and the wellspring of loving emotion runs a little dry.

Take a look at a typical progression. Early in the relationship she went to the basketball game because she loved her sweetie. Now she’s happy for him to go and enjoy some time with the guys while she stays home and watches a romantic comedy. For many people, they continue disengage from activity after activity until they are living parallel lives: she does her thing, he does his thing. Relationship has largely disappeared.

How then do we keep the romance alive, how do we keep the flame burning? Well, once the in-love phase has run its course, keeping the flame alive is determined by continuing to choose to do the romantic acts you did while the two of you were in love—even if you don’t feel like doing them!  Personality psychology tells us that emotion is a response to action. If we continue to do the actions, the emotions will remain vivid. Glen Yarborough (in the song If You Could Read My Mind) laments “but the feeling’s gone and I just can’t get it back.” Glen has got it quite backward. If the feeling is gone, you need to begin to do the things you used to do (romantic acts) and watch the feelings return. The popular Parent Trap films, whether the Haley Mills (1962) or the Lindsey Lohan (1997) version, are psychologically sound because the children get the parents together by re-creating romantic settings and reminding them of the reasons they loved each other.

If you continue a pattern of exploring the 1001 ways of saying “I love you” to your sweetheart, if you choose to express your love several times each day, the flame will be kept burning brightly and romance will be an ever present warmth in your relationship.

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Can A Couple be To Much In Love?

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011 by assistant

Have you ever felt that you are too much in love? Are there times when your head and your heart say different things? Does it occasionally seem that the love you lavish on someone else is like casting pearls before swine? Is your life made miserable because you care too much? These questions deal with the issue of one person loving another person too much. But sometimes we wonder whether two people can love each other too much. Let’s address both issues.

As we discuss in our book, The Compatibility Code, successful relationships are the blending of the cognitive and emotional aspects of life—the heart and the mind. We often try to figure out which of these is more important. If you are all heart and no mind you ride a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows that makes your life miserable. If you are all mind and no heart you experience an emotionally distant relationship that lacks the intimacy so important to marriage. Both conditions typically end in divorce.

 Loving too much might be better defined as love out of balance. Think of it as emphasizing the emotional aspects of love and neglecting the important thoughts and actions that accompany mature love. When the in-love teenager girl says, “But I love him so much – I just KNOW it’s right – even when he doesn’t always treat me right” we are observing love out of balance. This young girl looks at feelings but ignores that her boyfriend is antisocial, psychopathic, critical, and just plain unpleasant. In North America when teens marry the divorce rate is 90%. Were they in love with each other? Your bet! But you see the fallacy of loving too much, or, the failure to integrate the emotional and the cognitive aspects of loving.

 But there are instances when a mature couple is intensely in love with one another. Is that “too much?” Sometimes—if they are out of balance. This would predominantly show up when each individual is focused on their own feelings—as opposed to mutually focusing on each others needs and the health of the marriage. But joyfully, there is a way to love that is both deep and mutual.

 In the marriage of C.S. Lewis and Joy Gresham (depicted in the 1993 film Shadowlands) you find an intensity of emotional attachment seen only occasionally. Joy, whose cancer is in remission, speaks to “Jack” about the fact that she will die. She asks how he will deal with it. Lewis’s says, “Don’t worry, I’ll manage somehow.” Joy’s response is insightful. She says, “We can do better than that. The pain you will feel then is part of the joy we experience now.”

Your ability to love deeply today will be mirrored by the pain you will feel when that love is lost. That is not “loving too much” but experiencing life to the full.

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Posted in Incorrect Images of Love, Living in a Relationship, Understanding Love | 3 Comments »

Prescriptions For A Great Marriage: A Cup Brimful of Traditions

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011 by assistant

A good marriage is one where traditions and shared meaning are developed over time. These shared traditions bring a specialness and uniqueness to a relationship and help pull the entire family together. Special meanings get attached to meals, holidays, religious activities, celebrations, methods of relaxation, and many others. These lovely rituals often arise from when you first fell in love or when your little ones arrived on the scene. A friend of mine comes from an Italian background, for example, and generally served some sort of pasta at all holiday meals. Her husband came to truly enjoy the “pasta addition” to the usual fair of turkey or ham or roast, and their children in turn also participate in the new combined tradition. I have found that as the years go past, all family members contribute to and help create new traditions and rituals that become favorites.

Traditions may stem from your own past experiences, your present concerns and activities, or from future aspirations, but they don’t all need to be complex or elaborate. My husband and I have a Thursday night date in which we pop corn, snuggle down, watch a video, and elbow each other as we fight over the last kernels in the bowl. When our girls were younger and still needed some supervision, rather than hire a babysitter and “go out,” we stayed at home—and paid the girls to “self-sit.” We were able to enjoy valuable date time together as well as save money. An unexpected side benefit was that it helped the children learn to manage themselves and their end of day activities. Today, nine years into marriage, Darren and I still savor our weekly date and exert zealous efforts to make certain that our Thursday nights aren’t booked with other events.

When you expand the view of marriage to include everyone in the family, you encounter all sorts of opportunities for shared meaning. My marriage to Darren created a blended family with five children. A tradition that developed almost immediately was an event we affectionately named “biological family night.”  Each week, usually on Fridays, I spent special alone time with my girls, while he focused on his teenagers. The twins and I would usually go to Chapters, read stories and sip hot chocolate—Darren and his gang would hang out at home. This reassured our individual children of their importance to each of us and provided exclusive, unshared attention from the biological parent. It also helped everyone adjust to the circumstances and unfamiliar patterns of our new marriage. To this day, long after Darren’s teens have graduated and moved on to college and careers, my 14 year old twins squeak with excitement when the three of us have a “girls night out” at our favorite haunt—and share the excitement of reading together.

Outstanding marriages are typically rich in traditions that nurture the mystery and wonder of life. During this poignant time of year, when celebrations swirl around us—why don’t you pick a snowy afternoon to gather ‘round with cups of hot chocolate and capture the memories of your shared occasions? Plop a yummy mini marshmallow in your mug for every idea someone mentions and laugh over how quickly your cup runs over. And, know that every time you participate in any cherished tradition you are saying, “I love you!” in a distinctive way.

Shared traditions bring a specialness and uniqueness to a relationship and help pull the entire family together.

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Posted in Living in a Relationship, Quality Marriage, Relationship Life, traditions | 2 Comments »

52 Weeks of Love, Sex, & Dancing

Thursday, May 14th, 2009 by Elizabeth George

I’m not so different from my teenage daughters. They’re glued to their iPods – I was glued to my stereo. Yep, the kind that took up huge amounts of space with big speakers, an amplifier, a record player and a cassette deck. Sigh. You now know that I’m somewhere over 40!

Like my daughters, I lived life through music that “spoke” to me. And oh, what emotions were created; both tears and laughter, hopes and dreams. My best friends and I all shared favorite songs-we attended proms and dances named after hit singles of the day. Barry Manilow sang to our hearts  “I write the songs that make the young girls cry…I write the songs of love and special things.”

And we listened and we learned. But we didn’t know that we should have filtered what we heard and we certainly didn’t know that messages became scripted into our subconscious. In 1976, my first full year of high school, there were 52 weeks of love, sex and dancing. Of all top billboard hits, only 5 didn’t fit into one of those categories. We didn’t know we had been set up for failure in love.

To complete our high school love lesson, let’s put the hit titles in a paragraph:
Did you know that there is a Love Rollercoaster, and afterwards you’ll have a Love Hangover? Don’t Go Breaking My Heart because If You Leave Me Now, I’ll give you 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Wait, Let’s Do It Again and have some Afternoon Delight. It’s late and now I have Boogie Fever because it’s Saturday Night. Please Shake Your Booty and Play That Funky Music. Oh baby, you’re just a Love Machine and Tonight’s The Night for you to be Rock’n Me.

So, let me ask you. What messages have the lyrics of your youth scripted upon your heart. Are you starting (or continuing) your search for love using a false picture? Just give it a thought.

For those who love lists and want to be amazed, take a look a how the top hits of 1976 could be categorized:

Love
Love Rollercoaster – Ohio Players  January 31 – February 6
I Write The Songs – Barry Manilow  January 17 – January 23
Let Your Love Flow – Bellamy Brothers   May 1 – May 7
Silly Love Songs – Wings  May 22 – May 28
Love Hangover – Diana Ross  May 29 – July 9
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – Elton John & Kiki Dee August 7 – September 3
If You Leave Me Now – Chicago October 23 – - November 5

The Loss of Love
Do You Know Where You’re Going To – Theme from Mahogany – Diana Ross January 24 – January 30
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon February 7 – February 27
Kiss And Say Goodbye – Manhattans July 24 – August 6

Sex Theme
Let’s Do It Again – The Staple Singers December 27, 1975 – January 2, 1976
Love Machine (Part 1) – The Miracles March 6 – March 12
Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band July 10 – July 23 Disco Lady – Johnnie Taylor April 3 – April 30
December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) – The Four Seasons March 13 – April 2
Tonight’s The Night (Gonna Be Alright) – Rod Stewart November 13 – January 7, 1977
Rock’n Me – Steve Miller November 6 – November 12

Dancing
Saturday Night – Bay City Rollers January 3 – January 9
Boogie Fever – The Sylvers May 15 – May 21
You Should Be Dancing – The Bee Gees September 4 – September 10
(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty – KC & The Sunshine Band September 11 – September 17
Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry September 18 – October 8

The remaining 5
Convoy – C.W. McCall January 10 – January 16
Theme From S.W.A.T. – Rhythm Heritage February 28 – March 5
Welcome Back – John Sebastian May 8 – May 14
A Fifth Of Beethoven – Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band October 9 – October 15
Disco Duck (Part 1) – Rick Dees & His Cast Of Idiots October 16 – October 22

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Posted in Incorrect Images of Love | 82 Comments »